The Wheel Of Life :(

Last week, i was in hospital. This week, i am at home, then at the doctors, then at school for 2 hours a day, + exsams. I seem to be loosing my social network at school. Nobody is talking to me, i havent uttered a single word except 'yes miss' for the past 2 days. I feel like such a loner. I dont even have the energy to eat, which i suppose is a good thing, but then again it isnt.
I have to be in school for half 8 tommorow, im really not looking foward to it. Early start. BLAHH
Prepare to be in the shittiest mood ever.

i just drew a really cool picture that explains a lot of how i am feeling.

Shit son! :'(

First of all, i am really sorry G, i promised it wasnt going to happen, and i broke that promise. i wish you could understand what goes through my twisted headsome times, but then i think, if you knew then you would be just as twisted as me, so it stays in my head. I am in hospital atm, yet again, but for a different reason this time. i attempted to hand myself, from a branch. My sister, sophie, saved my life. i told someone all about this, and they didnt believe me, and now i feel like shit, its like staying in a room with loads and loads of people who you know are only there to help, but you still feel scared that they are going to judge you. I really need to cut right now. cut so deep that i dont have to feel the pain of living, just concentrate on the pain that is searing through your arm and get that huge high of the blood spilling out of you. Actually, i just thought. I may have a razor blade hidden in the back of my phone...
anyways. I have taken to the chewing and spitting technique to get around having to eat, they dont exactly sit there and watch me so its ok. i have lost aa total of 11lbs since the start of the midsummer nights fast. :) im happy with that. I will hopefully be discharged tommorow. HOPEFULLY. i hate this shit hole! i hate feeling out of control and being looked in on 24/7. i hate being woken up half way through the night just so they can make sure you are still breathing. [but they can probably here me breathing without haveing to wake me up!] my throat is killing me from hanging from a wire :/
im glad i did it. im not glad i got found. i wish i could have died. for a few sweet, precious moments, i felt at peace... never mind...

FAIL -Midsummer nights fast, life, Girl Friend issues, General Bitch and Moan.

I couldnt stop myself from eating today :( stupid family meals, i was just drinking cup a soups until about 7 then i got so angry because of an argument with my girlfriend that i ate 2 whole packets of crisps :( i failed the MNF and it was only the second day :( i guess it all ties in together, fall outs, unhappiness, eating, more unhappiness, grumpy moods, arguments, food grr. its a mental cycle.
And i just got a phone call from my mum telling me that my sister is in hospital :( yay.

i cba to talk much, good luck with everything everyone xxx

Right... IM Happy??

Ok. i no. its weird, i normally post all the depressing things about my life on here. but I feel HAPPY today so im not going to do that.
I cant wait to start the midsummer nights fast :) it will be one of the best things i hav done for myself in a long time :) i cant wait to watch as the numbers slowly tick down. hehe. its like a dirty obsession lol.
well, you may [or may not] be glad to know i have sorted things out between me and my girlfriend. We have agreed that we cannot live without each other, so we are back together now after being on a break for a week :(

ok so i was supposed to be fasting today, but then i rememebered tht i was going on the Midsummer Nights Fast tommorow, so i decided that i would just start to get myself prepared. i only ate exactly 180 calories, at dinner time, that was it. a bit of rice and some fish pie i think it was. but idm as long as i dnt exceed 500 a day as an apsolute maximum then i dnt mind. but from the 8th may to the 1st june i am not eating anything. just liquids. my starting weight was 162lbs. i now weigh 154, which i was shocked at. my target weight [for now] by the end of the fast i would like to be 145, if not less. ill just have to see how it goes tbh, it will take a lot of distracting, but i feel like im ready to do it, i feel like i need to do this.

I cant wait to be light, lighter than dandylion seeds floating in the wind.
ok, i definatly dont wnt to get tht weight, but it is nice to think about it sometimes.
I cant put my finger on why im happy. Meds? Girlfriend? Friends? doing well in my science module? [ i got an A :D] i think all of these things are what my teacher would call 'contributing factors' lol. but i cant physically think of one single thing that has made me this happy. i was mental last night, i was laughing at my laptop screen for no reason? idk,i had a weird moment [i think that one might have been the meds] but it made me realise that there is happiness out there, you jus need to find it. anyone who needs to talk about anything [trust me, im a fucking factfile] you can add me on msn, taryn.j.urch@hotmail.co.uk

Stay safe, and strong, i will keep you updated when ever i can xxxx

FML

omg. i feel so scared. i dont no wot to do. i recoulnise all of the signs. but i have no way of getting them there. they need help. what can i do? nothing.... just sit hear and feel them die...

Today. Depressing Shit About My Life...

Hi, if youre reading this then i can guarrantee you wont be by the end. I had a rough weekend, i got dragged into hospital for cutting [again, i no, i need to stop this shit] the doctors poked around inside them because i told them i lost the blade i did it with [haha dumb fuckers!] they gave me an x-ray and found nothing so they closed the wound up [notice that there was only one?] I got really depressed the day after for some unknown reason and decided that instead of turning to cutting, i was gunna turn to alcohol. On alcohol, i had to go into hospital again, for a stomache pump. [honeslty, not a pleasant experience]
I felt like shit the day after that, and me nd my girlfrend split up over it. :( that got me really down so i cut again, not wanting another stomache pump. of course, this time there was more emotions behind it, and as i watched the blood poor out of my freshly drawn cut, i noticed a different quality to it, it was faster, almost gushing like a waterfall. i paniced and for some reason did more. the blood came pooring out, covering my bed in blood, leaving a trail behind me all the way up to my parents room. they rushed me to hospital again, really fast. i cant describe how fast exactly because everything was starting to go blurry. It felt like 2 minetus until we were at the hospital. they closed up 7 of them and said the rest dont need it [ i think i have 24 or summit around that number] i feel terrible. 3 times in 3 days. :(
I went back there today to get it checked out, nothing was wrong, they x-rayed me, re stitched re dressed and let my go home [afer sitting 2 fucking hours in the stinky waiting room!]

Why are you still reading this? it is just a load of rabble. nobody really needs to know, but this is one of my only releases. i cant tell my conciller anything! i dont trust her...
Damn my life is shit
FML!
But aside from this, i got showed a new, fast way of losing weight. I just have to cut down to 500 calories a day for the next 25 weeks :) sounds easy, doesnt it. i still need to think of a punishment if i go over though. I have an amazing friend who is helping me along with this, and hopefully i am helping her aswell. She deserves all the credit for the 5lbs that i have managed to keep off lol. this brings me down to 147lbs, i think. im not too good at maths.
If you are reading this then im very very sorry for all the depressing shit that is on here.
I had an alright day apart from all that. Even after breaking up with my girlfriend and keeping my eye on another girl [who is one of my best friends atm] but she is leacing school in about 10 days :'( FML!!!! we have shared some very special moments, even though i am a bitch to her and i dont deserve to be frends with her. I know she doesnt feel the same way i feel about her, which sometimes makes me upset, but i can always be hopeful. Cant i? i probably dont even deserve to be living right now, let alone being allowed to hug and kiss people.
Im sorry for the amount of shit i put people through in my life and i wish i could do something about my personality to change it.
I think that is about it for now
xx
stay safe everyone xx