The Wheel Of Life :(

Last week, i was in hospital. This week, i am at home, then at the doctors, then at school for 2 hours a day, + exsams. I seem to be loosing my social network at school. Nobody is talking to me, i havent uttered a single word except 'yes miss' for the past 2 days. I feel like such a loner. I dont even have the energy to eat, which i suppose is a good thing, but then again it isnt.
I have to be in school for half 8 tommorow, im really not looking foward to it. Early start. BLAHH
Prepare to be in the shittiest mood ever.

i just drew a really cool picture that explains a lot of how i am feeling.

Shit son! :'(

First of all, i am really sorry G, i promised it wasnt going to happen, and i broke that promise. i wish you could understand what goes through my twisted headsome times, but then i think, if you knew then you would be just as twisted as me, so it stays in my head. I am in hospital atm, yet again, but for a different reason this time. i attempted to hand myself, from a branch. My sister, sophie, saved my life. i told someone all about this, and they didnt believe me, and now i feel like shit, its like staying in a room with loads and loads of people who you know are only there to help, but you still feel scared that they are going to judge you. I really need to cut right now. cut so deep that i dont have to feel the pain of living, just concentrate on the pain that is searing through your arm and get that huge high of the blood spilling out of you. Actually, i just thought. I may have a razor blade hidden in the back of my phone...
anyways. I have taken to the chewing and spitting technique to get around having to eat, they dont exactly sit there and watch me so its ok. i have lost aa total of 11lbs since the start of the midsummer nights fast. :) im happy with that. I will hopefully be discharged tommorow. HOPEFULLY. i hate this shit hole! i hate feeling out of control and being looked in on 24/7. i hate being woken up half way through the night just so they can make sure you are still breathing. [but they can probably here me breathing without haveing to wake me up!] my throat is killing me from hanging from a wire :/
im glad i did it. im not glad i got found. i wish i could have died. for a few sweet, precious moments, i felt at peace... never mind...

FAIL -Midsummer nights fast, life, Girl Friend issues, General Bitch and Moan.

I couldnt stop myself from eating today :( stupid family meals, i was just drinking cup a soups until about 7 then i got so angry because of an argument with my girlfriend that i ate 2 whole packets of crisps :( i failed the MNF and it was only the second day :( i guess it all ties in together, fall outs, unhappiness, eating, more unhappiness, grumpy moods, arguments, food grr. its a mental cycle.
And i just got a phone call from my mum telling me that my sister is in hospital :( yay.

i cba to talk much, good luck with everything everyone xxx

Right... IM Happy??

Ok. i no. its weird, i normally post all the depressing things about my life on here. but I feel HAPPY today so im not going to do that.
I cant wait to start the midsummer nights fast :) it will be one of the best things i hav done for myself in a long time :) i cant wait to watch as the numbers slowly tick down. hehe. its like a dirty obsession lol.
well, you may [or may not] be glad to know i have sorted things out between me and my girlfriend. We have agreed that we cannot live without each other, so we are back together now after being on a break for a week :(

ok so i was supposed to be fasting today, but then i rememebered tht i was going on the Midsummer Nights Fast tommorow, so i decided that i would just start to get myself prepared. i only ate exactly 180 calories, at dinner time, that was it. a bit of rice and some fish pie i think it was. but idm as long as i dnt exceed 500 a day as an apsolute maximum then i dnt mind. but from the 8th may to the 1st june i am not eating anything. just liquids. my starting weight was 162lbs. i now weigh 154, which i was shocked at. my target weight [for now] by the end of the fast i would like to be 145, if not less. ill just have to see how it goes tbh, it will take a lot of distracting, but i feel like im ready to do it, i feel like i need to do this.

I cant wait to be light, lighter than dandylion seeds floating in the wind.
ok, i definatly dont wnt to get tht weight, but it is nice to think about it sometimes.
I cant put my finger on why im happy. Meds? Girlfriend? Friends? doing well in my science module? [ i got an A :D] i think all of these things are what my teacher would call 'contributing factors' lol. but i cant physically think of one single thing that has made me this happy. i was mental last night, i was laughing at my laptop screen for no reason? idk,i had a weird moment [i think that one might have been the meds] but it made me realise that there is happiness out there, you jus need to find it. anyone who needs to talk about anything [trust me, im a fucking factfile] you can add me on msn, taryn.j.urch@hotmail.co.uk

Stay safe, and strong, i will keep you updated when ever i can xxxx

FML

omg. i feel so scared. i dont no wot to do. i recoulnise all of the signs. but i have no way of getting them there. they need help. what can i do? nothing.... just sit hear and feel them die...

Today. Depressing Shit About My Life...

Hi, if youre reading this then i can guarrantee you wont be by the end. I had a rough weekend, i got dragged into hospital for cutting [again, i no, i need to stop this shit] the doctors poked around inside them because i told them i lost the blade i did it with [haha dumb fuckers!] they gave me an x-ray and found nothing so they closed the wound up [notice that there was only one?] I got really depressed the day after for some unknown reason and decided that instead of turning to cutting, i was gunna turn to alcohol. On alcohol, i had to go into hospital again, for a stomache pump. [honeslty, not a pleasant experience]
I felt like shit the day after that, and me nd my girlfrend split up over it. :( that got me really down so i cut again, not wanting another stomache pump. of course, this time there was more emotions behind it, and as i watched the blood poor out of my freshly drawn cut, i noticed a different quality to it, it was faster, almost gushing like a waterfall. i paniced and for some reason did more. the blood came pooring out, covering my bed in blood, leaving a trail behind me all the way up to my parents room. they rushed me to hospital again, really fast. i cant describe how fast exactly because everything was starting to go blurry. It felt like 2 minetus until we were at the hospital. they closed up 7 of them and said the rest dont need it [ i think i have 24 or summit around that number] i feel terrible. 3 times in 3 days. :(
I went back there today to get it checked out, nothing was wrong, they x-rayed me, re stitched re dressed and let my go home [afer sitting 2 fucking hours in the stinky waiting room!]

Why are you still reading this? it is just a load of rabble. nobody really needs to know, but this is one of my only releases. i cant tell my conciller anything! i dont trust her...
Damn my life is shit
FML!
But aside from this, i got showed a new, fast way of losing weight. I just have to cut down to 500 calories a day for the next 25 weeks :) sounds easy, doesnt it. i still need to think of a punishment if i go over though. I have an amazing friend who is helping me along with this, and hopefully i am helping her aswell. She deserves all the credit for the 5lbs that i have managed to keep off lol. this brings me down to 147lbs, i think. im not too good at maths.
If you are reading this then im very very sorry for all the depressing shit that is on here.
I had an alright day apart from all that. Even after breaking up with my girlfriend and keeping my eye on another girl [who is one of my best friends atm] but she is leacing school in about 10 days :'( FML!!!! we have shared some very special moments, even though i am a bitch to her and i dont deserve to be frends with her. I know she doesnt feel the same way i feel about her, which sometimes makes me upset, but i can always be hopeful. Cant i? i probably dont even deserve to be living right now, let alone being allowed to hug and kiss people.
Im sorry for the amount of shit i put people through in my life and i wish i could do something about my personality to change it.
I think that is about it for now
xx
stay safe everyone xx

Today. Last night. Good, and Bad

I had a good day today. Sort of, even though i ate like a complete pig, but its ok, i burned off more than i ate. My arm is hurting a lot because of last night. Im really sorry about that jazzle. I would write something really cool to say sorry, but i cant think of anything. I have to go, but im really sorry jazzle.

Stuff, Stuff. more Depressing Stuff....

Im so sorry jazz [if you are reading this, which i doubt tbh] i hope i didnt scare you. :/ Im soo sorry if i did. I got home from hospital at about half 12 last night. The reason being [yet again] self harm. I'm sorry i just had such a shit day. Involving earwigs, thrown drinks, almost throwing up, being shouted at and put in isolation for a lesson I cant put a stop to this stupid addiction :( it makes me sad that i dont have any control. but yet strangely happy at the same time. It is a weird feeling. That i cba to explain because i doubt anyone is reading this anyway. I did a fast from 10 last night and it finishes at 10 tonight. Ive done quite good, being honest, and ive managed to worm myself out of tea. So i guess thats good, right? I dont feel any happier in myself tho, even after fasting and cutting. i should do, that is normally what makes me happy :/ i dont understand.

Thankyou jazz, for everything you have done for me, inlc. putting me in your blog :)

My First Success (:

I started a 36 hour fast about 48 hours ago. i ate for the first time in 2 days about 8 hours ago :) i enjoyed every single moment of it. i felt so in control, like i was actually starting to feel happy :)
I am going to do a 72 hour fast on monday, if you want to join in you can and we will do it together :) just leave me a comment.(Even though i only have two followers, and they dont even read my blog lol)
on the self harming front, i havent done it in over a week, that is how happy i hav felt becus of this :)
haha
xxx

Failure, already.

I told myself already that i wouldnt cry today, but yet i already have. my mind is a mess. I Dont know what to do about my girlfriend. i dont want to be with her anymore, but i cant leave her. life is so confusing :'( and the worst part is i dont even think she notices that we are falling apart :'( i dont know what she wants me to do, ive tried being nice, ive given her money, cards, chocolae, me and my family have helped her out when ever she needs it, whether it involves money or not, i just dont know what else i can do to help her :( x this is only going to be a short blog because i cba to do anything today and i am supposed to be doing my english coursework, but i cant do that, im to lazy. god i need some fucking mental help i swear to god! :( x im going to meet her later tho so that we can sort out all of this shit. i hope that goes well, if i doesnt be prepared for me to be in hospital for a few days again :/ x

Failure, already.

I told myself already that i wouldnt cry today, but yet i already have. my mind is a mess. I Dont know what to do about my girlfriend. i dont want to be with her anymore, but i cant leave her. life is so confusing :'( im actually lost. i cant stop myself from crying, everything and everyone is setting me off. But im determined that i am not going to cut, that is my number one promise to myself. ive only found one other remedy, singing depressing love songs really loud, only then i make myself look like a twat.

The Day After...

Today went alright, i slept most of it. i had a good afternoon tho [after going to the hospital to properly discharge myself and reclaim my stuff + teddy bear] i walked around dorchester for a bit and met up with two of my frends (:, we had fun sitting in burrough gardens and walking around somerfeild. :D

A couple of hours on.....

thats it, ive had enough of life, it just isnt worth living, ive cried and cried and i just cnt get this pain out! i feel like physically ripping it out with my own bare hands,, or suffocating it with dangerous gasses,, or killing it with tablet overload. i just cant deal with this, i dont feel attached to my body, my head and hands will not stay in sync with each other. my hands are acting before i am thinking, i just wish i was NORMAL!! how much effort can it take, to be able to sleep, to not have to worry about showing off my scars ir cuts to everyone, to not worry about being fat but try and do something about it. i i dont think life is worth living anymre, i just wish i could die, without commiting sucide, does that make sense? God, u can tell wen i need a spliff.................

FUCKING INSOMNIA!!!!!

i cant even sleep, i tried to fall asleep about and hour ago and gave up, i cannot get self harm out of my head :( i just really wish i could do it and know that i wud be safe, but i cnt. i havent done anything so far so i am getting good at control, sort of. i cant stop crying, :'( my head is killing me from all the tears but i just keep on leaking, the tears are flooding out, ive already swapped my pillow because it got so wet :( My leg is also killing me, this is the first time they have used butterfly stitches instead of real stitches and tbh it hurts even more! The hospital better have my teffy bear tommorow or i am going to go skitz!
well, ill try to go to sleep again, if i dont manage it i will update this blog in an hour,
FUCKING INSOMNIA!!!!!

Wot have i done to deserve this?

Just this morning i woke up feeling fine, but then a fucking doctor appeared and told me to eat something i really didnt want to eat. I looked, smelt and probably tasted gross, it looked like they were trying to poison me. after ovbiously refusing to eat it i decided that i was obviously in the wrong place and discahrged myself [i didnt even know it was possible on a mental ward!] they tried to make me sign a stupid agreement! i walked right out of there [still in my hospital gown!] and got into my car. I got home and chucked the gown in the bin because it apsolutely stank of disinfectant.
I got home and sat on my bed for hours, i just sat there thinking about what i had done. Did i do the write thing or not? i left my teddy at the hospital and i will probably never see it again :'( i hav had that teddy for 13 years :(. I just felt like apsolute shit. The doctors took my prescription to the chemist for me and i have to pick my tablets up on friday from boots :( God life is just so shit!!!! i went out earlier to go and see my girl friend and my friends, including a girl who i hav a crush on and we are sort of two timing our girlfriends to be with each other. She doesnt even want to talk to me anymore, all we say is hi, how are you, and bye :( we dont even hug any more.
I have to go away for a week next week, i am looking forward to it, but at the same time i am scared, what if something happens and i hurt myself really badly whilst we are out at sea? god i am so scared. but never miond, whats life without a few challenges?
Im not so sure if i love my girlfriennd as much as im telling myself i do, but my emotional brain is so fucked up at the moment, im not sure what im feeling. im dreading going back to school tho, but at the same time i cant wait, i no people and i know who i can talk to at what times, i know what time i have to get up, what i have to do when i get up, life is all planned out. But im scared that also i will get back into the same routine as it used to be, good day at school, bad day at home, bad day at school, even worse day at home. The only place i feel safe is on my own with my razor blades, they feel like a friend to me, i get excited to see them. tht even sounds quite sick to me as i am reading back through it, but i love them, i really do, i wouldnt be much without them. [ actually, truthfully i would probably be better off] but hey, life wouldnt be exciting then. Sorry about rambling :/ i should probably go now, xx

sorry...

i noticed today that everyone was asking me how i was, i think it was because i must have scared them last night. im sorry if i hurt anyone, i promise im alright now, im still in hospiatl, i am until thursday. I had 13 stitches in my left thigh and 3 stitches in my wrist. i found this poem and thought it expressed how i was feeling so i put it on its own blog because i thought it deserved it.

Btw G, yeah i will get it for you when you give me the money, k? i have rizzles bt nt a light or the tabbaco xx

I’m Great, fine, spectacular. In a way
I relish every night, and I live every day.
I live, I laugh, I write, I sing,
I wonder what the new days will bring.

Then I get home, and I take off the mask.
The day, and almost impossible task,
Is finally over, and so I lie Down,
and wait patiently for the day that I die.

I cry, I scream, I bawl, and sleep,
even though I have promises to keep.
I wait, and wonder, and cry some more,
And I ache and burn from my very core.

Then, I’m not alone, and the mask reappears:
Out goes the grief, pain and all of the tears,
As I am a happy person, cheerful all the day.
A world full of rainbow, not one shade of grey.

Of course I’m not okay, I’m not fine,
No matter how much I seem to shine.
I don’t even know why I feel this...
Why my existence is one long, endless abyss.

But it is, and will be, so I cling to life,
As one day I might slip, and end it with a knife.
But, I’m still here, no matter what my dreams might say
And I hope that one day I will actually be okay.

=/

My life

I only want to tell you breifly about myself.. I started self harming at the age of 11, ever since then I have been addicted to it. i stopped for about 6 months about 2 years ago because I got some decent help and was in hospital for 4 weeks. I came out and wasnt aloud to leave my house for about 3 weeks. i sayed in and got fat. I stopped going to school for a little while until my mum threatened to kick me out.
I have got a conceller in school, but i cant tell her anything because she tells the head teacher who will call my parents.
My suicide attempt last year left me a bit messed up. i started doing drugs more and drinking more and eating more becaus it made me feel better. But now im fat and need to lose some weight.
My habits are slowly biting me in the bum, and i just wish i could get out of them, but i cnt.

Btw i need some help to lose some weight, i have to lose a stone or more in a month so that i can get my tongue peirced, any hints??? x