Wot have i done to deserve this?

Just this morning i woke up feeling fine, but then a fucking doctor appeared and told me to eat something i really didnt want to eat. I looked, smelt and probably tasted gross, it looked like they were trying to poison me. after ovbiously refusing to eat it i decided that i was obviously in the wrong place and discahrged myself [i didnt even know it was possible on a mental ward!] they tried to make me sign a stupid agreement! i walked right out of there [still in my hospital gown!] and got into my car. I got home and chucked the gown in the bin because it apsolutely stank of disinfectant.
I got home and sat on my bed for hours, i just sat there thinking about what i had done. Did i do the write thing or not? i left my teddy at the hospital and i will probably never see it again :'( i hav had that teddy for 13 years :(. I just felt like apsolute shit. The doctors took my prescription to the chemist for me and i have to pick my tablets up on friday from boots :( God life is just so shit!!!! i went out earlier to go and see my girl friend and my friends, including a girl who i hav a crush on and we are sort of two timing our girlfriends to be with each other. She doesnt even want to talk to me anymore, all we say is hi, how are you, and bye :( we dont even hug any more.
I have to go away for a week next week, i am looking forward to it, but at the same time i am scared, what if something happens and i hurt myself really badly whilst we are out at sea? god i am so scared. but never miond, whats life without a few challenges?
Im not so sure if i love my girlfriennd as much as im telling myself i do, but my emotional brain is so fucked up at the moment, im not sure what im feeling. im dreading going back to school tho, but at the same time i cant wait, i no people and i know who i can talk to at what times, i know what time i have to get up, what i have to do when i get up, life is all planned out. But im scared that also i will get back into the same routine as it used to be, good day at school, bad day at home, bad day at school, even worse day at home. The only place i feel safe is on my own with my razor blades, they feel like a friend to me, i get excited to see them. tht even sounds quite sick to me as i am reading back through it, but i love them, i really do, i wouldnt be much without them. [ actually, truthfully i would probably be better off] but hey, life wouldnt be exciting then. Sorry about rambling :/ i should probably go now, xx