Today. Last night. Good, and Bad

I had a good day today. Sort of, even though i ate like a complete pig, but its ok, i burned off more than i ate. My arm is hurting a lot because of last night. Im really sorry about that jazzle. I would write something really cool to say sorry, but i cant think of anything. I have to go, but im really sorry jazzle.

Stuff, Stuff. more Depressing Stuff....

Im so sorry jazz [if you are reading this, which i doubt tbh] i hope i didnt scare you. :/ Im soo sorry if i did. I got home from hospital at about half 12 last night. The reason being [yet again] self harm. I'm sorry i just had such a shit day. Involving earwigs, thrown drinks, almost throwing up, being shouted at and put in isolation for a lesson I cant put a stop to this stupid addiction :( it makes me sad that i dont have any control. but yet strangely happy at the same time. It is a weird feeling. That i cba to explain because i doubt anyone is reading this anyway. I did a fast from 10 last night and it finishes at 10 tonight. Ive done quite good, being honest, and ive managed to worm myself out of tea. So i guess thats good, right? I dont feel any happier in myself tho, even after fasting and cutting. i should do, that is normally what makes me happy :/ i dont understand.

Thankyou jazz, for everything you have done for me, inlc. putting me in your blog :)

My First Success (:

I started a 36 hour fast about 48 hours ago. i ate for the first time in 2 days about 8 hours ago :) i enjoyed every single moment of it. i felt so in control, like i was actually starting to feel happy :)
I am going to do a 72 hour fast on monday, if you want to join in you can and we will do it together :) just leave me a comment.(Even though i only have two followers, and they dont even read my blog lol)
on the self harming front, i havent done it in over a week, that is how happy i hav felt becus of this :)
haha
xxx

Failure, already.

I told myself already that i wouldnt cry today, but yet i already have. my mind is a mess. I Dont know what to do about my girlfriend. i dont want to be with her anymore, but i cant leave her. life is so confusing :'( and the worst part is i dont even think she notices that we are falling apart :'( i dont know what she wants me to do, ive tried being nice, ive given her money, cards, chocolae, me and my family have helped her out when ever she needs it, whether it involves money or not, i just dont know what else i can do to help her :( x this is only going to be a short blog because i cba to do anything today and i am supposed to be doing my english coursework, but i cant do that, im to lazy. god i need some fucking mental help i swear to god! :( x im going to meet her later tho so that we can sort out all of this shit. i hope that goes well, if i doesnt be prepared for me to be in hospital for a few days again :/ x

Failure, already.

I told myself already that i wouldnt cry today, but yet i already have. my mind is a mess. I Dont know what to do about my girlfriend. i dont want to be with her anymore, but i cant leave her. life is so confusing :'( im actually lost. i cant stop myself from crying, everything and everyone is setting me off. But im determined that i am not going to cut, that is my number one promise to myself. ive only found one other remedy, singing depressing love songs really loud, only then i make myself look like a twat.

The Day After...

Today went alright, i slept most of it. i had a good afternoon tho [after going to the hospital to properly discharge myself and reclaim my stuff + teddy bear] i walked around dorchester for a bit and met up with two of my frends (:, we had fun sitting in burrough gardens and walking around somerfeild. :D

A couple of hours on.....

thats it, ive had enough of life, it just isnt worth living, ive cried and cried and i just cnt get this pain out! i feel like physically ripping it out with my own bare hands,, or suffocating it with dangerous gasses,, or killing it with tablet overload. i just cant deal with this, i dont feel attached to my body, my head and hands will not stay in sync with each other. my hands are acting before i am thinking, i just wish i was NORMAL!! how much effort can it take, to be able to sleep, to not have to worry about showing off my scars ir cuts to everyone, to not worry about being fat but try and do something about it. i i dont think life is worth living anymre, i just wish i could die, without commiting sucide, does that make sense? God, u can tell wen i need a spliff.................

FUCKING INSOMNIA!!!!!

i cant even sleep, i tried to fall asleep about and hour ago and gave up, i cannot get self harm out of my head :( i just really wish i could do it and know that i wud be safe, but i cnt. i havent done anything so far so i am getting good at control, sort of. i cant stop crying, :'( my head is killing me from all the tears but i just keep on leaking, the tears are flooding out, ive already swapped my pillow because it got so wet :( My leg is also killing me, this is the first time they have used butterfly stitches instead of real stitches and tbh it hurts even more! The hospital better have my teffy bear tommorow or i am going to go skitz!
well, ill try to go to sleep again, if i dont manage it i will update this blog in an hour,
FUCKING INSOMNIA!!!!!

Wot have i done to deserve this?

Just this morning i woke up feeling fine, but then a fucking doctor appeared and told me to eat something i really didnt want to eat. I looked, smelt and probably tasted gross, it looked like they were trying to poison me. after ovbiously refusing to eat it i decided that i was obviously in the wrong place and discahrged myself [i didnt even know it was possible on a mental ward!] they tried to make me sign a stupid agreement! i walked right out of there [still in my hospital gown!] and got into my car. I got home and chucked the gown in the bin because it apsolutely stank of disinfectant.
I got home and sat on my bed for hours, i just sat there thinking about what i had done. Did i do the write thing or not? i left my teddy at the hospital and i will probably never see it again :'( i hav had that teddy for 13 years :(. I just felt like apsolute shit. The doctors took my prescription to the chemist for me and i have to pick my tablets up on friday from boots :( God life is just so shit!!!! i went out earlier to go and see my girl friend and my friends, including a girl who i hav a crush on and we are sort of two timing our girlfriends to be with each other. She doesnt even want to talk to me anymore, all we say is hi, how are you, and bye :( we dont even hug any more.
I have to go away for a week next week, i am looking forward to it, but at the same time i am scared, what if something happens and i hurt myself really badly whilst we are out at sea? god i am so scared. but never miond, whats life without a few challenges?
Im not so sure if i love my girlfriennd as much as im telling myself i do, but my emotional brain is so fucked up at the moment, im not sure what im feeling. im dreading going back to school tho, but at the same time i cant wait, i no people and i know who i can talk to at what times, i know what time i have to get up, what i have to do when i get up, life is all planned out. But im scared that also i will get back into the same routine as it used to be, good day at school, bad day at home, bad day at school, even worse day at home. The only place i feel safe is on my own with my razor blades, they feel like a friend to me, i get excited to see them. tht even sounds quite sick to me as i am reading back through it, but i love them, i really do, i wouldnt be much without them. [ actually, truthfully i would probably be better off] but hey, life wouldnt be exciting then. Sorry about rambling :/ i should probably go now, xx

sorry...

i noticed today that everyone was asking me how i was, i think it was because i must have scared them last night. im sorry if i hurt anyone, i promise im alright now, im still in hospiatl, i am until thursday. I had 13 stitches in my left thigh and 3 stitches in my wrist. i found this poem and thought it expressed how i was feeling so i put it on its own blog because i thought it deserved it.

Btw G, yeah i will get it for you when you give me the money, k? i have rizzles bt nt a light or the tabbaco xx

I’m Great, fine, spectacular. In a way
I relish every night, and I live every day.
I live, I laugh, I write, I sing,
I wonder what the new days will bring.

Then I get home, and I take off the mask.
The day, and almost impossible task,
Is finally over, and so I lie Down,
and wait patiently for the day that I die.

I cry, I scream, I bawl, and sleep,
even though I have promises to keep.
I wait, and wonder, and cry some more,
And I ache and burn from my very core.

Then, I’m not alone, and the mask reappears:
Out goes the grief, pain and all of the tears,
As I am a happy person, cheerful all the day.
A world full of rainbow, not one shade of grey.

Of course I’m not okay, I’m not fine,
No matter how much I seem to shine.
I don’t even know why I feel this...
Why my existence is one long, endless abyss.

But it is, and will be, so I cling to life,
As one day I might slip, and end it with a knife.
But, I’m still here, no matter what my dreams might say
And I hope that one day I will actually be okay.

=/

My life

I only want to tell you breifly about myself.. I started self harming at the age of 11, ever since then I have been addicted to it. i stopped for about 6 months about 2 years ago because I got some decent help and was in hospital for 4 weeks. I came out and wasnt aloud to leave my house for about 3 weeks. i sayed in and got fat. I stopped going to school for a little while until my mum threatened to kick me out.
I have got a conceller in school, but i cant tell her anything because she tells the head teacher who will call my parents.
My suicide attempt last year left me a bit messed up. i started doing drugs more and drinking more and eating more becaus it made me feel better. But now im fat and need to lose some weight.
My habits are slowly biting me in the bum, and i just wish i could get out of them, but i cnt.

Btw i need some help to lose some weight, i have to lose a stone or more in a month so that i can get my tongue peirced, any hints??? x