Shit son! :'(

First of all, i am really sorry G, i promised it wasnt going to happen, and i broke that promise. i wish you could understand what goes through my twisted headsome times, but then i think, if you knew then you would be just as twisted as me, so it stays in my head. I am in hospital atm, yet again, but for a different reason this time. i attempted to hand myself, from a branch. My sister, sophie, saved my life. i told someone all about this, and they didnt believe me, and now i feel like shit, its like staying in a room with loads and loads of people who you know are only there to help, but you still feel scared that they are going to judge you. I really need to cut right now. cut so deep that i dont have to feel the pain of living, just concentrate on the pain that is searing through your arm and get that huge high of the blood spilling out of you. Actually, i just thought. I may have a razor blade hidden in the back of my phone...
anyways. I have taken to the chewing and spitting technique to get around having to eat, they dont exactly sit there and watch me so its ok. i have lost aa total of 11lbs since the start of the midsummer nights fast. :) im happy with that. I will hopefully be discharged tommorow. HOPEFULLY. i hate this shit hole! i hate feeling out of control and being looked in on 24/7. i hate being woken up half way through the night just so they can make sure you are still breathing. [but they can probably here me breathing without haveing to wake me up!] my throat is killing me from hanging from a wire :/
im glad i did it. im not glad i got found. i wish i could have died. for a few sweet, precious moments, i felt at peace... never mind...